The Need for Good Community
Community shapes every aspect of life, from politics to goals and even personality.
John Wooden wasn’t kidding when he said, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”
The quality of our community even shapes the quantity of our days.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which tracked 268 people for nearly 80 years had clear results
First, “good relationships keep us happier and healthier, period.”
Second, loneliness kills, impacting mortality as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Third, it’s not about the number of friends, but the quality of those relationships. As one of the researchers wrote, “The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest (mentally and physically) at age 80.”
The Current State of Community
If community is so important, how are we doing?
The answer: not very good.
Loneliness is a national health epidemic in the United States, with one in two U.S. adults living with measurable levels of loneliness. The rest of the developed world isn’t doing much better.
Even emails reveal our desire for connection: The most effective subject line—with open rates around 90%—was “You Are Not Alone,” regardless of product being sold.
Social media hasn’t helped, either.
As Jayson put it, “we are drowning in contacts but absolutely starving for community.”
This isn’t working. We need to do something.
How’s Your Community?
If community shapes our lives, it’s worth auditing the quality of our own relationships.
Look at your calendar and social media for the past year. Who do you spend the most time with?
Identify these five people and evaluate them on a scale of 1 to 10 in the following categories:
- Health
- Wealth
- Happiness
- Relationship with Self
- Relationships with Others
Once you’ve scored everyone, add the numbers together and divide by five.
This is likely your personal baseline.
Are you happy with those numbers? Or do you want to make them better?
Consider a Tribe Upgrade
If you want to improve your life, it’s important to surround yourself with the right people.
Here are a few ideas to consider:
Are Your Relationships Past- or Future-Oriented?
When debating a tribe upgrade, Jayson likes to ask, “Are the current relationships in your life related to your past or related to your future growth?”
If it’s mostly the former, it might be time to make a change.
Through school and college, society pushes us to grow until we’re 25. Then it becomes your job to keep growing. And if you don’t, you begin to die.
As Ben Franklin said, “Most people die at 25 and don’t get buried until 75.”
Recognize that Time & Energy are Scarce
Human experience is constrained by time and energy. This means all relationships, no matter how good, have opportunity costs.
The key to enriching your life is surrounding yourself with people who are batteries, not black holes. You want to be around people who energize you, not those who leave you drained.
The best way to do this is prioritizing people by personhood, not by accomplishment.
For example, Jayson spends little time with people who are toxic, inauthentic, or transactional, no matter how successful they are. He then reinvests this time and energy in richer relationships, helping him live the fullest, most enjoyable life he can.
If you want your best life, you need to deliberately prioritize relationships. If you don’t, circumstances will dictate your relationships for you.
Who You’re Around is Who You Become
Peer groups do more than just shape personality, they also set expectations.
In fact, most people’s lives are a direct reflection of the expectations of their peer group. This is why most Marines are at their highest standard while in the Marines. It’s easier to do hard things when the people around you are also pushing their limits.
As Jim Rohm said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
Always remember that proximity is power: who you’re around is who you’ll become.
What If Your Expectations Are Higher Than Your Peer Group’s?
If your expectations or ambitions are higher than your peer group’s, you have three options:
1. Lift Them
Start by sharing your ambition to be better and invite your peers to join you. Some friends will jump at the opportunity, using it to grow. Others will dislike the change, which leads to your second and third options.
2. Love Them
If someone doesn’t reciprocate your desire for growth, but you want to maintain relationship, you can love them where they’re at.
This means surrounding yourself with people who encourage your growth while continuing to pour into this specific relationship. It can be an incredibly generous thing to do.
Love your peers, just be careful they don’t perpetually pull you down.
3. Leave Them
If someone saps your energy because you’re changing, it may be appropriate to leave them.
This isn’t an easy decision, but it may be a necessary one. To paraphrase Esther Perel, “Our relationships do not belong to us; they are on loan with the option to renew.”
It’s okay to let a relationship go, just be thoughtful about how you do it.
As always, avoid burning bridges unless absolutely necessary.
Closing Thoughts
At the end of the day, you can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people you’re around.
Remember that your peer group is who you become.
Be gracious but choose wisely.
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